Accepting or Expecting?
As I sit here on vacation and experience many waves of gratitude and little bouts of anxiety, depending on the situations, I think about my experiences when I have expectations rather than acceptance of “what is.” Somehow, probably because I’m human(!), I find a way to negatively view myself or the world when I lead with expectations rather than acceptance. I am learning that striving towards acceptance and gratitude vs expectations and a scarcity mindset is not an off/on switch. It is a process that is continually challenged, nurtured and massaged as I age and explore.
The trouble is, I am usually in an anxiety/trauma spiral and coming out of the other side of it before I realize: expectation tripped me up! I wasn’t accepting of what is and rather what things “should” or “might” be. For me, 9 times out of 10, this is related to my anxiety. My anxiety wants clear and decisive, non-ambiguous, rigid: all alluding to a sense of interpersonal or physical safety. Actually, let me correct that: a FALSE sense of interpersonal or physical safety. I say false because we cannot truly guarantee that our feelings will not be hurt intentionally or unintentionally, that we will not trip and fall on our faces, that we will not be harmed in the act of doing some new adventure. We can certainly decrease the odds of harm with good decision making, but that is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about good, old-fashioned use of control to temporarily mitigate anxiety. I’m thinking about where do expectations come into play with that?
What I am trying to grow more aware of in the moment is:
When I notice FIRST what my body is doing (chest a little tight, jaw a little tight, shoulders up or hunched over as if trying to disappear), I can alert my brain to pay attention for rigid thinking and/or thinking errors. My body tells the story long before my thoughts catch up! I can catch the “expectations” cycle early.
If I notice rigid thinking, can I challenge it? Using Cognitive Processing Therapy (a CBT therapy for PTSD that we offer at MTC), I am able to systematically challenge the negative belief/stuck point that is getting me, well, stuck. For example: If I can’t get out of the kayak as easily as others, they will think I’m lazy, out of shape or judge me for not being more physically fit.
Really May?? And when have these people who love you everyday ever done that to you? But what if they did, would you be okay? Can you still enjoy something you love (kayaking) even if you have a moment of embarrassment? Do these people who love you really view you this way, or do you view yourself this way and are projecting it onto them??? The mind is a trickster sometimes… I can spin myself into a mess of tangled thoughts! OR I might have this expectation, “This is going to be the BEST time ever!!!!” And then if it is not, I am let down but also can start to have spinning thoughts about worthiness. Accepting “what is” - good or bad is more present, more grounding and less mired in skewed cognitions. It just “Is what is it is” - TRULY. Not just some platitude to shrug off discomfort, but really - “it is what it is”, and whatever it is, I will deal with it or celebrate it or mourn it or WHATEVER I need to do with it. I can do it on my own, with others, in therapy etc.The key element here is to know that you may have an expectation that could trip you up such as: “I will bungle this all up.” OR “I have to do this perfectly because everyone else definitely will” or “This will be everything I ever wanted!” And, then challenge that thought to bring in some balance! Then, I can shift to acceptance. I am going to have gratitude for the privilege of a life where I can kayak, etc with family and friends and I may not do it great, but I will enjoy the process and take what comes with openness and gratitude. AGAIN, I am human so this does NOT come naturally. I also have C-PTSD so it really is counterintuitive to my survival instinct. However, I can use mindfulness, friend/family support, my therapy etc in order to more regularly recognize and shift my thinking and move out of expectations and move into acceptance of what just IS. Process, not perfection… again, have compassion for our humanness! When I am mindful and take time to check in with myself without shame and blame before an anxiety-inducing activity, I find I am able to go into more clear-headed. I mess it up more than I get it right, but I get it right more than I ever have in my life.
We live, we learn. Have grace for yourself in that. The same grace you would offer anyone else!
“I never lose. I either win or learn.” Nelson Mandela
“Acceptance is not a one-time event but a continuous process of letting go and embracing the present moment.” – Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now (1997)
